If You Only Knew
by Lady Shockbox
Summary: There are plenty of things Madnug doesn't know about Sazabi. The Magna Musai commander just wishes that the subject of his affections could see that. If he only knew... Oneshot. Slash.


I _really_ wanted to write something from Sazabi's perspective about Madnug, but I could not find the inspiration to write something that was half plausible. Then one evening, while I was driving home from a wedding, I was listening to Shinedown on my iPod while it was plugged into my car's radio. _If You Only Knew_ came on. I had not listened to the song before then, but they matched my interpretation of Sazabi/Madnug perfectly. After some brief plotting and several nights up writing, this quick little snippet was born. Bah. People need to write more Dark Axis themed fanfics so I won't be the only one. Seriously.

* * *

**It's 4:03 and I can't sleep without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea**

**The only thing I still believe in is you**

**If you only knew**

_If You Only Knew_ - Shinedown

**i**

Commander Sazabi suffered from insomnia.

It was not as much of a medical condition as it was a nuisance, but he immediately noticed that he was tormented from its draining effects when he first became the commander of the _Magna Musai_. His first recharge cycle residing in his new quarters on the ship was one of his worst he ever had to endure, as he ended up staying up all night fruitlessly trying to get sleep. He did not seek remedial help for it in the beginning namely because he had been in perfect health before taking his post, and the thought that something was potentially _wrong_ with him would have undoubtedly caused his minions to loose faith in his abilities to lead them. After several weeks of enduring sleepless nights however, his wariness finally caught up with him and he sought medical attention. Back in those days when the _Magna Musai_ was first launched, there had been many medical staff stationed onboard and Sazabi personally sought to have the senior physician come up to his office for a private meeting. The doctor - whose name had long since abandoned Sazabi's memory banks ten years after that meeting - had examined the commander's programming and software only come to the conclusion that he had clinical insomnia. The cause was unclear but, regardless of the fact that the Zako offered Sazabi an opportunity to take medication for it, the commander declined and shooed the general practitioner back out. If he could not handle his condition by himself, there was simply no reason for him to be a commander.

Even though he declined treatment, the commander _still_ made every attempt possible to deal with his condition. He often found that he would restlessly pace back and forth about his office late at night with the lights on so, to deter his own behavior, he disposed of all the room's lighting. He had all the lamps and ceiling fluorescents evicted from his quarters and attached workplace space as soon as it was possible to do so. Then he had several of the Zakos from the engineering deck come up to install a flexi-metal shade over his office's main window to keep light from coming in through it in the morning while he would still be in recharge. None of the soldiers knew about his condition, so they simply presumed that he liked the dark and thought nothing more of it. They were simple minded after all, so none of them were inclined to question their commander's preferences when it came to light.

The lack of luminescence helped somewhat and he was rewarded with at least more than four megacycles worth of sleep every night, but then _Madnug_ happened. At least, his _real_ name was Madnug. His Dark Axis given title - and his personal first choice over his true identity - was Gerbera.

Sazabi recalled meeting the General's personal aide perhaps ninety or so years earlier when he first became a commander for the Dark Axis invasion force. He felt an odd twinge in his fuel tank and engine block when he first met eyes with the Gundam professor those many years ago, but he honestly could not recall why he felt that way. He had not thought much of Gerbera again since that first encounter, the times he had seen him during meetings, and when the Dark Gundam came to inspect the Musais Sazabi previously headed. Their relationship with one another had been for nothing more than strict business as superior and inferior commandants in the army they functioned for, but that suddenly changed the first day Madnug - or Gerbera, as he so valiantly insisted - arrived at the _Magna Musai_ after the Komosai had picked him up from the Dark Axis fortress. Gerbera had navigated through the ship with two Zako guards and Zako Red trailing behind him to ensure his safety, but he sent the two grunts and Zakorello Color Guard agent off as soon as he reached the door that led to Sazabi's personal office and attached quarter space. He entered after ringing the caller speaker and Commander Sazabi gave him permission to enter.

As soon as Gerbera walked into the dark refines of the room, even in the low light, Sazabi felt something inside of his chest involuntarily flare hotly. The commander was greatly unnerved at his souldrive's reaction to seeing the professor since it had never done anything like that before during their prior encounters with one another. Regardless, for whatever the reason, Sazabi suddenly found that he unwillingly fell head over heels for the other mech. He could not tell _how_ or _why_. It simply just _happened_. Without warning or preamble, Gerbera suddenly was not just a superior officer anymore. Now he was the subject for the Sazabi's affections.

Yes. It _was_ just as ludicrous as it sounded. That was what Commander Sazabi thought, at least.

Gerbera did not seem to notice the change in Sazabi's behavior for the first day he was on the ship. He briefly met with Sazabi - all the while he was completely oblivious to the commander's oddly quiet conduct - before he left to inspect the ship and how well of working order it was in. As soon as the professor left, Sazabi desperately tried to evaluate his thoughts and emotions before he could let them spin out of control. It was ridiculously queer to even _fathom_ that he had affections for the other mech - let alone a disguised _Gundam_ of all things - but the fact that those same emotions seemingly erupted out of the blue for no reason whatsoever bothered him greatly. It had come up just as fast as his insomnia had, and that bothered him immensely.

Gerbera still appeared unmindful of the shift in Sazabi's manner towards him when he returned to the commander's office quarters to report his findings. He crossed the room stiffly and regarded the _Magna Musai_ commandant with his armor's fake, single optic flickering approvingly. "As far as I can tell, the ship is in as excellent of a condition as when it was first launched, Sazabi. I knew it was not a mistake when I promoted you to head commander. Your rate of success has greatly pleased the General over the decades, you realize."

"Of course," Sazabi said. He felt his throat constrict when he tried to talk to Gerbera in the face. Preposterous! He felt no better than a frightened grunt Zako! Nevertheless, he forced himself to talk without letting his voice grow hoarse. "Tell General Zeong I give him my regards and eternal thanks when you submit your report."

Gerbera's optic gleamed with a smirk. "I'll be sure to do that. Of course, my inspection period isn't over quite just yet. I'll be here for a few days more just to ensure everything truly _is_ in performing order, but I have no worries in the slightest. I have the utmost confidence in you, even though I'm still a bit perplexed that you're taking this impractical hiatus from invasions. Being the most successful commander we've ever had with twenty-two dimensional takeovers on your record, I would have thought you'd immediately aim for twenty-three. This ship could handle it, I'm sure."

Sazabi felt the inside of his chest begin to hammer with nervousness. It had been the personal choice of his to take an interval from plotting invasions against targeted dimensions so that he could assist the other twelve Musai invasion ships in the fleet. Sazabi had the highest number of successful invasions on his record, being twenty-two, but the average amount of invasions completed by most commanders was only seven or so. It was not many. He made the personal decision to at least assist bringing their success rate back up. He clenched and unclenched his fists with the tension and he had to force his voice not to crack from his anxiety. "Just a change of pace, Gerbera. With a ship like this, I believe it would be wiser to assist the other commanders with their own invasions using this vessel's firepower. I'm just taking the other Musais and their wellbeing into consideration. It's a gorgeous ship after all. Why let it go to waste and not savor its usefulness?"

The professor nodded. "Ah. Perfectly spoken, Commander Sazabi. Well then, goodnight…" He turned to leave and he got halfway across the room when he stopped in place. He glanced around questioningly, but he did not turn to look at Sazabi. "Why is it so dark? Are there no lights?"

Sazabi's voice cracked, but he managed to quickly cover his faltering tone by coughing. "I prefer the dark."

Gerbera said nothing more. In fact, the answer Sazabi gave him seemed to unnerve the scientist a little. That did not surprise Sazabi in the slightest. From what little the _Magna Musai_ commander knew of Gerbera's troubling past, he was aware that he was from the distant future where, after an accident that sent him sprawling into the past, he was abandoned by his creators to the deep empty vastness of space. The professor had to endure suffocating darkness for a very long time before the General found him, so Sazabi would not have been surprised if the violet eyed Gundam was afraid of the dark. At any rate, Gerbera left without as much as another word and Sazabi slunk back in his seat. He suddenly felt fatigued but suspected that he would have a difficult night sleeping ahead of him. True to his prediction, he could not sleep at _all_ that evening. He ended up staying up and pulling off his first all-nighter. He could not even garner himself as much as a cat-nap throughout the tediously long day that was ahead of him.

Sazabi's tension and exhaustion finally peaked that following night.

The _Magna Musai_ commander had been at his desk working, both indefatigable and feeling half dead at the same time, when Gerbera entered the office after his second day of inspecting the huge ship. He had finished early and offered to assist Sazabi with the forms that had to be filled. The commander was greatly unsettled with anxiety by the other's mech close proximity, but he could not bring himself to voice any objection. They only worked together in silence for about a megacycle or so before Sazabi's emotions and souldrive began to act up again. He could not even glance in Gerbera's direction without feeling a hammering quivering in his chassis and the flame within his souldrive felt like an inferno with badly controlled sentiment. He frantically willed himself to ignore the changes but, when Gerbera piped up questioningly in regards to whether or not the commander was feeling all right, Sazabi could not help or suppress himself any longer. He turned in his seat to address Gerbera. Instead of words being exchanged however, an almost desperate kiss _was_. Sazabi expected that he would receive immediate retaliation as a response from the professor, but he was half surprised, half horrified, and completely euphoric to find that Gerbera pressed his faceplate harder against his. He was kissing _back_.

Without much preamble, they interfaced right there at the desk on the spot. Gerbera managed to strip his patented Dark Axis armor plating away so that he could have more mobility topping Sazabi. Sazabi had not cared much for the fact that he was not in control, because all he could muster his hazing psyche to care about was that he was pinned and he was loving every single tantalizing, blissful _moment_ of it. When Gerbera managed to remove the armor over his face to reveal his true Gundam features, Sazabi was instantly lost in the other mech's optics. They were a deep lilac hue, which was the same color of the twin oceans that the larger robot found himself sinking within.

If he drowned, Sazabi knew that Gerbera would breathe life back into him. He did exactly that. The Gundam descended upon him and Sazabi could not hold his head above water any longer. He sank into the abyss of euphoria and did not bother to fight against the raging currents that swept him away.

It was almost over as soon as it started, although it felt like an eternity in Sazabi's personal opinion. They both cleaned themselves up and Sazabi retrieved some of the papers on the floor that had fallen from the desk while Gerbera reapplied his Dark Axis armor. They finished their form filling in tense silence and Gerbera left the office without as much as another word. That evening, Sazabi was immensely surprised to find that he fell straight asleep as soon as his head hit the recharge berth. It was the best night's worth of sleep that he had during his entire time on the _Magna Musai._

Gerbera left without saying as much as a goodbye the next morning.

The fact he was gone did not help Sazabi any, because he found that he could not sleep again. In fact, his insomnia got worse. He constantly thought about Gerbera in his absence almost as if it was an uncontrollable impulse. His action of fixating himself over the Gundam was just as involuntary as breathing. He just could not _stop_.

Gerbera returned to the ship several months later for a second scheduled inspection. The cycle started all over again.

This time they had sex twice - once against the wall of Sazabi's office, once in his recharge berth - and the commander was dominant the second time. After that, Gerbera slept with him that night. It could have been that he was too tired or too comfortable to move, although Sazabi had a gut feeling that it had to do something with how pitch black the room was. If he _was_ too afraid of the darkness to move through it, it made perfect sense for him to remain in Sazabi's hold where he knew he would be safe. Gerbera had not bothered to put his Dark Axis armor back on after their interface but Sazabi could have cared less about the fact that he was sleeping with a Gundam. The fact remained that the larger warrior slept _very_ well that night. The following morning, the hellish red mech awoke alone in the berth and he went into his office to look for Gerbera. He was not there, but there was a datapad on the desk saying that he had gone ahead to finish with his inspections. When he returned later that day, Gerbera was clad in his Dark Axis armor again and he kept it on even when he stayed in the office to help Sazabi file paperwork. Sazabi figured it was because he was self-conscious about his Gundam appearance.

The scarlet plated commander spoke up about it. "You can take that off if you want."

Gerbera looked up from whatever filing he was doing. Sazabi's vision was not sharp, but he thought it was a registration form for the newer Zako recruits on the ship. His fake optic flashed warily. "Hm?"

"Your armor plating, I mean," Sazabi said.

The professor in question watched Sazabi carefully for a moment. He looked slightly surprised and unsettled at the same time. The Gundam's voice reflected and reinforced Sazabi's observation of his demeanor. "My Gundam appearance does not bother you?"

"No. Should it?"

The professor appeared staggered by the revelation, but he did not remove his armor right away. After another megacycle or so, it appeared as though he was having difficulty reading the forms through his mask and he removed it. By the end of the second megacycle, he had completely removed his Dark Axis patented armor so that it left his true, smaller form exposed. Sazabi looked up to regard Gerbera while he sat cross legged at his seat diligently at work but, whereas it would have bothered the commander in one lifetime, it did not even deter him that he was working alongside a Gundam. Pitt, it never once bothered him that he was _sleeping_ with one.

That was probably because Sazabi found that he had fallen in love with him.

Their third meeting when Gerbera came to inspect the ship, it was even _more_ intimate. They interfaced twice again, but _now_ they were sleeping in the same bed and now Gerbera kept his Dark Axis armor off in front of Sazabi all the time. He always reapplied it when going out of the office to inspect the ship, yes, but he never wore it in front of Sazabi anymore. Now he had also stopped using the guest suite where he previously stayed during his visits to the ship completely. He stayed in Sazabi's quarters during his inspections from then on out. Best of all, Sazabi found that his insomnia went away whenever Gerbera was around. He was told that he appeared much healthier than before - whereas he apparently always used to look gaunt, he now looked far livelier - and he realized that his energy levels were higher than they had been in _months_. He felt _good_ too. His mood had improved and he did not feel as worn out as he had before. It was an extravagant feeling that the commander cherished almost as deeply as Gerbera's company. There was one thing still bothering him, though.

He piped up about it one evening while he and Gerbera were resting in his recharge berth. Gerbera was sleeping with his back to him, but that was only so Sazabi could hold him more efficiently from behind. They had been quiet for quite sometime, listening to the sound of one another's intakes for the past megacycle, when the _Magna Musai_ commander quietly broke the peaceful quiet. "What's your real name?"

Gerbera did not answer right away. Sazabi had to wonder if he was asleep, but then the black Gundam spoke up in a morose tone. "What importance does it serve?"

"Because your real name is not _Gerbera."_

"Your real name is not _Sazabi_, Stalemate."

"Stalemate" had been Sazabi's original name as a standard Zako back when he was a grunt soldier. His title had consequently changed to "Stalemate Sazabi" when he became a squad leader and then it changed _again_ when he became a commander. Sazabi snorted lightly. "That's different."

Gerbera still did not tell him. The next morning however, when the dark Gundam was preparing to leave for the next Musai he was scheduled to inspect, he suddenly spoke up before exiting the room. He was clad in his Dark Axis armor. They had already bid one another farewell, but what the Gundam said next momentarily threw Sazabi off, though only momentarily. "Madnug."

Sazabi looked up from looking over papers on his desk. "Come again?"

"I answered your question," Gerbera said. Now he turned his head to face the other mech. His single, pseudo optical lens glowed a vibrant pink that held a trusting glow within its spherical shape. "My real name. It's… it's Madnug."

_Madnug._ The sound of it left a pleasant sensation tingling throughout Sazabi's central circuit system.

So their affair continued on for nine years.

As far as Sazabi was concerned, they were the best nine years of his life. They both made the best of the time when Madnug came for his scheduled inspections of the _Magna Musai_ and Sazabi found that he was _actually_ able to sleep at night. It was blissful, both when he was with Madnug and when he was able to get a decent periods worth of recharge. It was an absurd thought, but Sazabi found that he had actually fallen in _love_ with a Gundam. Of all things, a _Gundam!_ It was a surreal thought that sounded abstract when Commander Sazabi thought critically about it, but those thoughts _always_ went away whenever he caught sight of Madnug. The Gundam in question always seemed slightly unnerved now that Sazabi constantly called him by his true name, but it never stopped their liaison turning as serious as it had. As the years went by, the both of them could just satisfy themselves on stressful evenings by simply being in one another's company, never even necessarily having to exchange words because they already knew what the other was going to say. Best of all, Sazabi felt _safe_ with Madnug. He had never once trusted another being more in his entire _life_. He had been in a relationship once before with Nightingale - another commander in the Dark Axis fleet - but she had been abusive towards him. Madnug _wasn't_. Madnug would _never_ hurt him.

Sazabi loved him deeply for that.

Eventually, Sazabi's insomnia vanished completely. Madnug surprised Sazabi late one evening when the commander walked in and found that there was light bathing his quarters. Sazabi had only left his personal office for a megacycle or so to have a private meeting with his ship's stationed squad leader - a mech named Zapper Zaku - and, during that time, Madnug had taken it upon himself to have Zakos come up and reinstall the lighting systems. Even the shade that once hung over the window to submerge the room in total darkness had been removed. Sazabi had not been happier to be back in the light more in his entire life.

He decided suddenly that he wanted to tie the knot.

One evening, while the moons that hovered over the Dark Axis' landscape were high, Madnug had been standing by the huge window overlooking the barren backdrop below. The room had been dark that evening, submerged in total darkness only because Madnug thought Sazabi was sleeping on the room's upstairs balcony, when the commander approached the Gundam from behind and wrapped his arms around his waist adoringly. Madnug leaned against him to show how trusting he was. The Gundam turned to face him in the silence and, as soon as the violet hue of the his purple optics met Sazabi's single pink one, the _Magna Musai_ commander released his lover and dropped to one knee. Madnug turned around to face him and his amethyst optics instantly brightened in surprise.

"…Bond with me?"

"…No. I'm sorry Sazabi."

That had been the end of it. Complete, unreserved, total _denial._

Sazabi had not been able to recover from the blunt, crushing force of Madnug's unexpected and abrupt rejection. Even with Madnug at his side, the insomnia that he thought he had put behind him came back to haunt him at full force. This time it was even shoddier than before. He had to have the new lighting removed from his quarters and he had the huge shade reinstalled so that he could get at least a megacycle's worth of sleep at night. Madnug seemed deeply saddened when he saw that Sazabi had the lighting removed, but he seemed far more worried when he realized just _how_ little sleep Sazabi was now getting. The dark Gundam tried to comfort him, get him on medication - which Madnug graciously attempted to prescribe to Commander Sazabi himself - but nothing the professor did helped. Sazabi knew he _couldn't_ be helped. Not unless Madnug became his bondmate. Sazabi loved him _so much_… he _needed_ Madnug, more than the dark Gundam could ever hope to realize.

For an entire year after Madnug rejected him, Sazabi constantly tried to convince him to bond. He had almost been driven to beg on one or two occasions, but Madnug would have none of it. The Gundam seemed to have the delusion that their loyalty to the General could not be hindered by something a silly as a bondlink. That hurt Sazabi deeply, but he didn't give up. He _would not_ give up.

Except now it was probably too late.

It was currently the equivalent of four `o three in the morning by a human's standards, and Sazabi had not gotten as much as a second's worth of recharge. Just several megacycles earlier - the last time he saw Madnug before the professor left to attend to the other invasion force Musais - he had gotten into an argument with the Gundam over the subject of bonding. It was not that the argument itself was brutal, but the commander was exhausted enough from his lack of sleep the night before that he broke down into tears as soon as Madnug left. As far as he could remember, he had not cried since he was a Zako. That was many, _many_ years ago. The Gundam was also bitter over the fact that the _Magna Musai_ commander consistently insisted that he use his Gundam name - he was always preferring his title "Gerbera" even after he disclosed his true identity to begin with, because he supposedly hated his real name - but Sazabi found that he could not stay upset with him. Not when he loved him the way he did. After Sazabi managed to calm himself down, he paced back and forth aimlessly around his office for quite sometime and well into the night. He was as tired as the dead, but he knew damn well there would not be any relief if he tried to go into recharge.

"_We'll be invading Neotopia ten days from now."_

That was one of the last things he said to Madnug before he left. He had already sent the invasion request to Madnug's private online mailbox where he would likely approve it and allow Sazabi to move forward with his incursion scheme, but that did not stop the commander from feeling a sickening sense of dread when he thought about it. On top of his crippling exhaustion, he knew damn well that there was a very real chance he would get himself killed sooner than he could conquer the stubbornly resistant world. His crippling exhaustion would weaken him against any powerful enemies that he would potentially have to face - such enemies being like Captain Gundam - who had the ability to indisputably spell his undoing. He forced himself not to acknowledge the risks. This was the equivalent of second-hand suicide and he knew it well, but there was not a point of living if Madnug would not accept him.

If only Madnug _knew…_

Sazabi had long since tried to go to sleep. He looked sideways from his place on the berth again at the holographic clock. It was still four `o three in the morning. He had been restlessly tossing and turning in place for several tireless megacycles trying to find a comfortable position to recharge in and he finally, grudgingly, settled for sleeping on his side curled in a semi-ball. He looked small and not very intimidating in that position. At least there was not anyone around to see his weakness, although that was half the problem. He at least had a decent shot at sleeping somewhat decently with Madnug around, but all the commander of the _Magna Musai_ could settle with was tossing and turning like a sea because he could not feel his lover next to him. Part of the Dark Axis invasion commander wanted to believe that Madnug had difficulty sleeping without him as well, though he did not want to wish his insomnia on anyone else. _Especially_ on Madnug.

There were lots of things Madnug did not know. It was a shame. Sazabi suffered from insomnia, but he also suffered from so much _more._

He sighed deeply and curled further into himself. "If you only knew…"

Commander Sazabi stayed awake for a very long time.

**Fin**


End file.
